The Power of Self-Compassion: Learning to Be on Your Own Side

So many of us are quick to offer a kind word or a listening ear to someone we care about — but when we’re the ones struggling, our tone can suddenly change.Instead of kindness, we might meet ourselves with criticism or shame:“Why can’t I handle this?” or “Everyone else seems to cope better than me.”

If that sounds familiar, you’re in good company. Many people I work with in counselling sessions share that being kind to themselves feels uncomfortable or even selfish. But in reality, self-compassion isn’t about self-indulgence — it’s about emotional balance. It’s a way of acknowledging our pain with warmth instead of judgement, and it can be a powerful foundation for healing and resilience.

What Self-Compassion Really Means

Psychologist Christopher Germer, who developed Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) alongside Dr. Kristin Neff, describes self-compassion as “simply giving ourselves the same kindness we would give to someone we care about.”

The Mindful Self-Compassion approach rests on three interconnected elements:

1. Mindfulness – Gently noticing our thoughts and feelings without exaggerating or ignoring them. Instead of pushing discomfort away or drowning in it, we can pause and say, “This is hard right now.”

2. Common Humanity – Remembering that struggle and imperfection are part of being human. When things go wrong, it doesn’t mean we’re failing — it means we’re experiencing life as it is.

3. Self-Kindness – Choosing to respond to ourselves with warmth and care rather than harshness. This might mean speaking to ourselves the way we would to a close friend: “You’re trying your best,” or “It’s okay to feel this way.”

When these three qualities come together, they help us meet pain with gentleness, rather than resistance or self-criticism.

Why It Matters

When we’re critical of ourselves, our bodies interpret that inner voice as a threat — just as if someone were attacking us from the outside.Our heart rate increases, our muscles tense, and we slip into “fight, flight, or freeze.”

But when we respond to ourselves with compassion, the opposite happens. Our nervous system settles. The body releases oxytocin and endorphins — hormones linked to safety, trust, and connection. We begin to feel grounded again, which makes it easier to think clearly, care for ourselves, and connect with others.

Over time, practising self-compassion can reduce feelings of anxiety, shame, and depression. But beyond the research, it also creates a quieter, softer inner world — one where you don’t have to constantly prove your worth, because you already recognise your own humanity.

A Simple Way to Begin

Learning self-compassion is just that — a practice. It takes time and patience.

Here’s a simple exercise inspired by Germer and Neff’s Mindful Self-Compassion work that you can try when you’re feeling overwhelmed or self-critical:

1. Pause.Take a slow breath. Acknowledge what’s happening by silently saying to yourself:“This is a moment of struggle.”

2. Recognize your shared humanity.Remind yourself:“Struggle is part of being human. Others feel this way too.”

3. Offer yourself kindness.You might place a hand over your heart or somewhere comforting and say:“May I be kind to myself right now.”or“I’m doing the best I can with what I have.”

It might feel awkward at first — and that’s okay. Think of it like learning a new language: the language of kindness. Each time you practice, even for a few seconds, you’re gently retraining your mind and body to respond differently to pain.

Learning to Be on Your Own Side

Germer often says that self-compassion doesn’t take the pain away — it changes the way we hold it.When we can hold our own pain with care instead of criticism, something shifts. We start to feel less alone in our struggles. We soften toward ourselves. We begin to heal.

Through counselling, many people find that self-compassion becomes a turning point — a way to feel safer in their own minds and more connected in their relationships. It’s not about perfection; it’s about being human, being gentle, and being on your own side, even when things are messy.

Because you deserve that same warmth and understanding that you so freely offer to others.

If this idea resonates with you, you might find it helpful to explore self-compassion more deeply — either through reading, mindfulness practice, or in counselling. Together, we can look at what gets in the way of treating yourself with kindness, and gently build the capacity to meet your own heart with care.

You don’t have to do it alone. Small moments of kindness toward yourself really can change the way you experience your world — one breath, one gentle word at a time.